Don't Be Afraid......

I remember telling Wesley when he was young to not be afraid of the dark. That the dark was but another place for us to experience and enjoy - especially camping. When we started camping again (wes and I, then we added the Grandma, then my Aunt and Uncle and cousins, then friends and most recently, my brother and niece) back in the late 90's, Wesley and I went on a midnight hike in Sequoia / Kings Canyon National Park. We started around 8pm and "hiked" down the old road that was the original entrance to the park. There were about 25 people (including kids) plus the Ranger; we milled about the parking lot for about 30 minutes to get our night vision, wait for everyone to arrive and talked about life in the late 1800's early 1900's in the park. We started down the trail and after about a half-mile, the Ranger stationed each of us along the trail, about 25 feet apart. By this time, our night vision allowed us to see as if were midday making out every tree, the meadow and the mountain range that surrounded us. The sounds were cascading so loud and so clear that you began imagining everything that was out there. And then, that's when it hits you. You are not alone. I don't mean the Ranger and the other hikers; I mean the "things" that are out there, doing what they are supposed to be doing as we traipsed through on our hike in their neighborhood. 


This was memorable to me because of what it said about being afraid of the dark. We normally are not afraid of the light because we live in it all the time - it is what is normal. During the day the sun shines outside and the lights are on inside. At night, we close the curtains and let the light shine, either from a bulb, TV, fireplace or mobile phone. Why? Because we are, to varying degrees, afraid of the dark.


I wasn't afraid of the dark until I was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer was only something that I experienced second or third hand and never thought for a second that it could ever be me. Believe me when I say I think about it for more than a second now. 


When I am alone is when it dawns on me the most - I have cancer. A knot starts in my chest and works its way up my throat, I breath deeper (but controlled; thank you yoga) and then as it passes into the neck and head region I start to well up. The tear forms and trails its way down the side of my face, taking its time on its journey southward yet knowing exactly where it is going. The knot that started in my chest now magically exits my body along with the tear and I feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stronger. Stronger not for any other reason than to know that I am more comfortable in the dark now, I am more comfortable with my cancer. Now, I can't wait to be a cancer survivor. 


So, don't be afraid. I'm not. Not anymore.


SURGERY: My surgery is scheduled for the 27th of April. It should last approximately 1.5 to 2 hours with a day or two at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. How about that, after 25 years I am going back to college! After the 27th I will become a Bruin with the Pepperdine Wave and Cal State Fullerton Titan close behind. 


I am indebted to my ENT Dr Sesi and my surgical ENT Dr. Sercarz, who actually spoke with one another after the initial denial and agreed that my surgery should be done at UCLA by Dr. Sercarz. Dr Sesi then submitted an amended request for the authorization which was promptly approved.  I was pleasantly shocked to learn of this conversation and immediately tried to think who is watching over me and getting all these people talking.......just amazing!