Say "Good-Bye" to my lil friend......

The MRI results are that there is no evidence of residual or recurrent neoplasm (da tumor). There is some post-treatment changes with thickening of soft tissues at the level of the hypopharynx and vocal cords. I am going to physical therapy for this to relearn how to swallow - seems my muscles have forgotten how to do this. The PET Scan results indicate no abnormal hypermetabolic activity in the right side of the neck which means the old cancer site is no more!


Soooooooo in laymans terms, the cancer that I had is no longer present and there is no indication of any more. I will see my surgeon, radiation oncologist and medical oncologist on 3 month rotation basis with the surgeon and radiation guys falling off to 6 months then a year and the medical oncologist staying close to me for the next 5 years. Hoooorah! - Will you look at that, all it took was just a scalpel, some poison and a bit o radiation. 


Although my friend is no longer with me, he has left me with many reminders of his stay that will be a part me for the rest of my life. All of this came to me the day of my PET scan, after they had injected me with the radioactive glucose, left me in the room with the lights down low on a recliner, all relaxed to allow for maximum distribution throughout my body - I began to cry. 


For me, the tears were a cleansing of sorts because even though I had not gotten the test results back, I knew I was clean. I knew that because of your prayers and your thoughts and chauffuers to radiation and conversations with me and emails and FB and everything else that went on in the last few months were the basis, the foundation for making this result happen. Although I shed a tear to sear in my memory each and every thing that you did for me, I can never repay what you have gave but will most certainly, not ever forget. My journey continues sans my little friend...... 

MRI & PET Scans

The visit with my Medical Oncologist went as expected - for me. She, on the other hand, found out some additional information. It seems that she was under the impression that I would have followup PET/MRI scans about 4-6 weeks after my last radiation treatment. My Radiation Oncologist determined that it would be more like 3-4 months after. As a good team, they communicated and it is closer to the 3 month range because of the fact that I was radiated alot (my word). When I say "alot", I mean that there are 4-5 locations about the head and neck that are the usual locations for cancer to manifest itself. I knew of one (the tumor was in one of my lymph nodes on the side of the neck), but due to the fact that I had an unknown primary, the radiation plan was to radiate all possible locations - yes that right, I was able to get radiated in all of the usual locations. Boy am I lucky.... First, I get a form of cancer that only 3-5% of people get, then of that select group, I have an unknown primary of which only 10% are such.  Then I get radiated in all possible areas. I need to buy a lottery ticket! So, with all that said, I am looking to schedule the MRI and PET scans for mid-october. Finally, I am now down to one day of hydration a week!

I continue to have issues with swallowing (received antibiotics for thrush), so eating is still a bit of a chore. Although everyday presents a renewed sense of strength, I am beginning to understand more the full extent of my physical journey - the least of which is the loss of 55lbs. I can sense that my mental and spiritual side have provided me with so much more than I ever thought possible, that it has taken up in spades for the loss of my physical strength. It is truly incredible to come to see, to understand and more importantly, to accept in my heart, the power of the spirit. My thanks to all who have provided that boost with prayers and thoughts as it all has had the intended effect. I can feel the power within and with the return of my physical strength, I can only add to that established spiritual strength and look to come out stronger (in body and faith) than ever. 

Oh, BTW, there also is another resident in the Negrete household:

MaryJane

What Up?

It has been some time since my last post and I wonder where in the hell has the time gone. I have so much to share, so much to relive, so much to be thankful for; how will I get it all in? Well, let us start after the bell.....


That bell, that damn little bell, ring-ring-ring, just three little rings signifying that the poisoning of my body, the utter destruction of the cancer cells by radiation, was finally over. We are talking about 33 treatments, every weekday for 6+ weeks and now, no mas. I made it! It's done! Finito! Time to parte!


WRONGO BONGO! Little did I know about the possible after effects / side effects of radiation. Yes boys and girls, that's right; after experiencing the mouth and throat lesions, the loss of hair, the dry skin, dehydration and "hoyking" (sp) up of phlem among other things, I was lucky enough to then get to experience the literal burning of the skin about my neck. For the first time since high school, I am the proud owner of tank tops. Yes, tank tops at 49 years of age, I am a looker now - raw, exposed skin around my neck slathered with ointment to aid in the healing, topped with a stripped tank top (horizontal because after losing 50+ pounds I need to look "bigger/buffer"), shorts and flip flops. I can honestly say that the rockiest part of my journey to date has been dealing with this skin issue (I have accepted the fashion faux paux). It was not only physically draining, but took an quite an emotional toll. It was the first time that I had to go in to see my oncologist and ask for additional meds to help with the healing as my threshold for this particular pain had been exceeded. The cycle started on one side of the neck, appeared on the other and then migrated to the back of the neck. The healing cycle followed roughly the same pattern. Although now healed to a great extend (still have dry skin, loss of sensation, etc), the degree of skin pigmentation is testament to the severity of the side/after effects of the radiation.

Authentic cycling jersey
from the Tuscany Region
in Italy - Panzano

So I mentioned 50+ plus pounds of Gary that no longer exist. Well, a liquid diet for about 5 to 6 weeks will do that. I am about the 195lbs range as I write this and my oncologist believes I am plus/minus 5lbs of where I can maintian the weight. I have started rehab using kettleballs and doing some light road cycling (see picture). Each day I feel better, stronger and have started to eat solid foods - although my tongue and throat still have open sores that make swallowing a bit difficult (add a case of thrush and eating is still a chore). My taste buds are still in hibernation so I smell and recognize my food before I actually taste it meaning my taste is more from memory than from actually being able to taste it. With the sores still present, chewing and swallowing are becoming an artform with me. The buds are scheduled to make a return, but I just don't know when or how much or in what form for that matter - maybe I will now be able to enjoy avocados and mustard. 

USA! USA! USA!

I also wanted to acknowledge a very special gift that I received and just recently was able to wear (read neck and tanktop discussion from above). Thank you to Alex and Liz (daughters of Chris & Jayne Pimlott of the Pimlotts of El Segundo) who attended the Women's World Cup tournament finals this past July in Germany and were fortunate enough to get tickets to the final game between the US National Team and the Japanese National Team. What an incredible feeling to pull on that shirt knowing that these young ladies who really don't know me from adam would think of me at a time when they are attending one of the premier sporting events in the world. I am truly, truly blessed when I can say that I have people thinking of me halfway across the world! Wow! Thanks to Alex and Liz, you are two exceptional young ladies who have made a soccer fanatic extremely happy and have aided in my rehabilitation. Thank you, thank you, thank you!  


So you are not pretty much caught up. I promise to blog sooner so that I don't keep things to myself. I am scheduled to see my oncologist next week and just saw my oncology dentist so more to come......

RING THAT BELL!!!!

After my final radiation dose, I get to ring a bell signifying the end of my treatment. I can't wait to ring that damn bell. I ring it around 8:15am PST, Monday, July 18. 


I AM ASKING IF YOU HAVE A CHANCE, take a second tomorrow around 8:15am and ring a bell. Not just for me, but for all the other cancer patients who have rung their bell or will be able to ring it in the future - there's alot of us. 


RING THAT BELL!!

12 Minutes......

Apologies for the delay in between blogs. The last couple of weeks have been the hardest part of my journey. Although I continue to lose weight; I am no longer a candidate for the feeding tube - hooray! My diet staples of Boost and Awa Saki have been replaced by Muscle Milk (advertised as made with no milk....) since milk is a major contributor to the flem and mucus in my mouth and throat. 

My last chemo session was on Tuesday the 12th. It was gratifying to be able to walk outside knowing that I had completed my eighth and final chemo drip. The side effects have lessened but will not subside for another few weeks. I thought back to my first session where they had inadvertently forgot to schedule me for my "Day of Learning" where they were going to take me thru the process of what would happen and when. They also missed the fact that I needed to have bloodwork done. Fortunately, after talking with a supervisor and answering some questions, I was allowed to proceed - nothing like a quick google search and a memory honed by the Sisters of the Incarnate Word at Our Lady of Guadalupe! Thank you Sister Maria Ansuncion! OLG, OLG, OLG.......
  
My hair finally started to succumb to the effects of radiation and I asked Wesley to be my stylist..... Kinda funny feeling even though I knew it would come. We used a #1 on the bottom and a #2 on the top. The hair on my face has literally stopped growing and is getting brittle - not that there was a lot of it anyway, but still. As you can see from the pictures, the skin on my face is showing the side effects of the treatments. Unfortunately, I do not have any pictures of the inside of my mouth or down my throat. I can tell that it has begun to heal as the pain has lessened; not completely but less nonetheless. I have liquid vicodin with acetaminophen and have used it sparingly. Funny how something that is supposed to stop the pain actually hurts when you take it. Remember that song about a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down? DO NOT BELIEVE THIS! Sugar and Vicodin mixed is no bueno.....When I saw my Doctor this week, he asked why I was not taking more of the vicodin. I did not have an answer. It was not because I enjoy the pain. It was not because it didn't hurt enough to take it. It was not because of some macho bull that I could take the pain (no pain, no gain, no way). It was certainly not because of the side effects of vicodin. So he said to use it more. So I  have tried to use it more often; but still can't quite jump on that bandwagon. Soooooo, now I use it when I feel it is absolutely necessary (like to eat). I deal with the side effects (Milk of Magnesia - chalk in a bottle) and get on with my primary job of healing.


12 minutes. 720 seconds. This is the amount of time it takes to cycle through the linear accelerator that delivers my daily dose of radiation. My particular dose was developed by my radiation oncologist, Dr Simko, who then enlisted a medical radiation physicist and a dosimetrist who determined how to deliver the proscribed dose and calculate the amount of time it would take the accelerator to deliver that dose. 12 minutes. 12 minutes, every day. 12 minutes, every day, 5 days a week. 12 minutes, every day, 5 days a week for 6.5 weeks. 33 days total. Monday is day 33. After your final dose, they ring a bell so that everyone knows that someone has completed their course of treatment. 


I can't wait to ring that damn bell......I'm going to ring it loud and ring it clear. Listen for the sound of that bell around 8:15am, Monday, July 18, 2011. Although I will be ringing it in the basement of Torrance Memorial Hospital, it will be loud enough and clear enough so that everyone can hear it, Big Ben will have nothing on me monday.......

It's all about the wait, I mean the weight.......

I used to think that the 6.5 weeks were going to fly-by and I would be finished before I knew it. Well, OK,  maybe not fly-by exactly but at least proceed at something like a normal pace. I mean, how bad could it be? Drive to Torrance for an 8am appointment everyday, be home by 9am and have the rest of the day to sit around and wait for the next day, the next appointment. That was one of those assumptions that in reality was so off base because it's not the "wait" between the appointments nor the wait time between the weeks or even the time it takes for the the treatments themselves. No, no, no, no. Little did I know, even though I had been told by my Oncologists, was that it was going to be the other "weight" - my body weight.


So for some historical perspective, I started out the 2011 new year the same way I have for the last 23yrs - on break from work between Christmas and New Years (just one of aerospace's advantages!). I went for a bike with my buddy Larry (of Gary, Larry & Harry fame) to do the Fullerton Loop. The Loop is a 12 mile mixed trail (fire road, street, single track, oil road access, park & school) that has been around for years and that I have ridden for years. We went out on the trail the end of December and I struggled from the very beginning. It was a beautiful day but I walked the most that I have ever walked on a bike ride in my life. We were about 3/4s of the way thru when on a downhill I pinch flatted my front tire. Larry had another tube but neither of us had a pump (yes, I know, I know - I ride with one now). We asked a couple of folks and no luck so I finally threw in the towel and Larry just rode the shortcut to the car to came back to pick me up. All of this to basically say that when I got home, I showered and then weighed myself - 255lbs! I thought the scale was broken, I quickly found another and then went immediately to the gym for theirs. I was shocked to see that all the scales were within 5lbs of each other. It was official, I had turned into Jabba-the-Mexican-Hut. I spoke to Stephanie and we decided to start looking at a change to our diet. Over the next month I lost about 10lbs and was starting to ride more, eat less and generally, feel better. 


Then it happened, one Sunday in February I was shaving in anticipation of work on Monday when I felt the lump on the side of my neck. I was feeling great at the time so the lump was not a big concern - or so I thought. I truly believe that the loss of weight contributed to me being able to feel the lump. As I progressed though my journey with cancer, it included a continual, gradual, loss of weight. On June 15th I weighed in at 223.3lbs. This morning it was at 212.5lbs. I was informed by my oncologists that any "substantial" loss in weight would result in the placement of a Gastric Feeding Tube. The last two weeks have been especially challenging in that there has been an increase in activities occurring in my mouth. So much so that trying to swallow, much less consume calories is tough. I have been prescribed a number of different gels, swishes and other oral remedies that depending on the day, the weather, the number of hours I have slept and the position of the moon, they work - sometimes. 


I can tell you this, the last two weeks have been the most challenging of my life. I have never been up against anything like this and do not wish it upon anyone. With that being said, I look to the fact that there are two weeks left, I look to the fact that there are 15 radiation sessions left and I look to the fact that there are 2 chemotherapy sessions left. I look to the fact that I have all of you thinking of me. I look to the fact that my faith shall sustain me. I look to the fact that I also need to consume calories in order to limit the loss of weight. I take great pride every time I swallow something that counts toward my caloric and hydration requirements. Although I do not look forward to eating, I do look forward to being able to eat without pain. I look forward to a "normal" meal that doesn't come in a bottle.  I also gain inspiration and strength from my fellow radiation patients, most who are older than me and getting treatment for different types of cancer. Their side effects may be different, but their challenges are the same nonetheless.


For breakfast today, I was able to "swallow" the soft inside of a quiche (sausage and mushroom), drink a tall glass of whole milk and down a bottle of Boost Plus. I was able to gain about a pound from yesterday to today (211.6lbs to 212.5lbs), so I am encouraged. Yummm, yumm; now what can I drink for lunch?


PS: A big shout out for the folks who have driven me to radiation and chemo this past week and those that have signed up for the next two weeks. You will never know how much I appreciate the time you have given me....thank you.

Nineteen and Five....

I have completed 19 of the 35 radiation treatments and 5 of the 7 chemo drips. Wow! Hooorah! Look at that. Boooyah!


Now, for the flip side of the coin; side effects. Those two little words carry quite a wallop. I talked previously about some of them, but the ones that are effecting me the most are the ones located in my mouth and throat. To swallow means to know that whatever it is has passed the parched and bloodied lips, made its way across the front of the tongue which is a vertible field of raw sores, then inevitably touching portions of the "captain crunch" roof of the mouth, then making it past the base of the tongue (more sores) and finally, finally arriving at the entry to the esophagus. Home free.....


Lots of activity in there which is directly contributing to a decline in weight. 


"Ding, Ding, Ding Ding......in this corner, from the LBC, weighing in at 216.2 lbs; the one, the only, Azzzzztec Caaancer Warrrrriiioooorr".  For a bit of perspective, I was at 223.3 lbs on June 15th. The slope is trending down faster as I discover what is manageable in my mouth and what is not. Unfortunately, most items are in the not list as I am quickly identifying a very limited menu. Ensure, Boost and Kawa Maki are quickly becoming a staple. I start by taking liquid vicodin and acetaminophen which deadens the raw nerve ending inside the mouth and down the throat (it takes about 10-15 minutes to work). Tonight, the Chef tasting menu consists of a bowl of blenderized veggie soup, lukewarm green japanese tea,  a bottle of coconut water. I already finished the two tall glasses of blendarized ensure, raw egg, whole milk, peanut butter (no nuts please), a bit-o-whey (1 scoop, 1 scoop only) and some agave nectar to sweeten it all up - naturally of course. My constant companions also include the lip balm, a bottle of ulcerease, some viscous lidocaine, a jar filled with a mixture of water/salt/baking soda, the never ending supply of tissues and a spitoon (cup with butterfly). My intent is not to stop losing weight, but merely to slow down the loss. I get weighed every Monday at radiation, so keep your calories crossed.


On another front, I have the acne under control. The main external skin issue is that it is dry - almost leathery I would say. Mainly on the face, around the ears, down the neck, and on the back between the shoulderblades. I have also seen a change to the fingers - I still have ten, but the skin is now more parched on most of the digits. With all of the dryness, I need to find a gallon jug of Eucerin.


The coundown to July 18th is on; 16 more sessions, 16 more days. My Doctor described the side effects as being roller coaster like with two up/downs (I am betting on being on the second up). If you are looking for something to do, I usually leave the house around 7:00am - 7:10am Monday through Friday and we leave the hospital around 8:20am. If you would like to drive with me from Long Beach to Torrance Memorial, just give me a call. Reservations being taken now.

216lbs are ready for bed...

                                                                                                                                                                                         

A Milestone or Two

Saturday (6/11) we had the honor of attending the wedding of my stepson Jason to the most lovely Ms. Jessica (see picture at right for verification of said loveliness). It was an intimate gathering of family and friends in the hills overlooking the wilderness area of the city of Brea. Although the morning dawned a bit cold and overcast, by the appointed hour there was nothing but sunshine with a slight breeze. A wonderful ceremony with lots of delicious things to eat (I actually was able to taste most of it - really, really flavorful). This is a definite milestone in one's life and the words of Pastor O'Laughlin will ring true. Good luck Jason and Jessica, hard work lies ahead but the rewards to your union will be priceless.

Silent Celebration

My milestone came today after I walked out of radiation for the 14th time. 14, 1-4, Fourteen, One Four. A number by itself no mater how you say it; but when magically associated with "33" - then it is a milestone. "33" is about the number of radiation treatments that I will have within seven weeks. I am at the end of week three, four more to go with about 19 treatments left to go. So although not quite halfway, I am at the end of the third week. Hooorah! The picture is of me after leaving the hospital for my radiation treatment. It is a "Silent Celebration" taught to me by my 4yr old niece, Zara, who learned it a school (one very smart teacher). So, if you are going out tonight, hoist one up and dedicate it to my "Milestone 14". If you are staying home, have a home brew for me. If you don't drink, that's OK because neither do I; so just pass on those happy thoughts and prayers - they are working and I can never have enough. Silent Celebrations for all!

The rash is under control with some wonderful gel that is drying everything in sight. Still red, a bit swollen; but not as "pimply". I have now restarted my moisturization techniques to keeping my skin from becoming leather. My medial oncologist, Dr. Dickey, was really exited to see the rash reaction - I mean ecstatic! Her rational was that patients observed with this particular side effect showed that the chemotherapy drug (erbitux) was actually working and usually showed a higher incidence of cure. Now, the inside of my mouth and throat are a completely different matter altogether. I never thought that watermelon or grapes would hurt; but they do when the inside of your mouth is canker sore heaven. Or better yet, remember eating "Capt'n Crunch" cereal and by the time you finished, the roof of your mouth was shredded to pieces? Well, it feels like I ate the whole box. 

So, I now blend more foods, I like things at room temperature (I think Goldilocks had the right idea), the way I eat looks a little funnier ( I think my tongue "id a dit swallan") and feel like I am swallowing just like a Vermicious Knid. The pain is tolerable albeit different in that it is painful only when I move my tongue, try to swallow or open my mouth - otherwise its great. This leads to more of me nodding and providing facial expressions as my means of communication. My radiation oncologist, Dr. Simko, relates that I will cycle up, then down, then back up and finally down. I believe I am on the first "up" of that cycle. 

Jason & Jessica Odle

Looking forward to my next milestone. 


And here's to the newlyweds....

Ying & Yang

Wesley J. Negrete
2011 Whittier Christian
High School Graduate

YING: Last Saturday (6/4), I was able to witness Wesley walk with his classmates in his cap and gown.......in a word - incredible. The tears were flowing for my son and for one of his major goals in life. I am one very proud papa and I also knew that my "papa" was looking from above and shared in shedding those tears of joy with me.


YANG: Thursday (6/9) turned into a very emotional day for me. The Negrete Family celebrated the life of my Aunt Sookie in the City of Colton and it was, in a word - incredible. The outpouring of words, of feelings to describe her and the life she lead was spot on. It was very moving to see the impact that one woman had over a family and we were all truly family yesterday. Thank you Aunt Sookie, for being you and sharing your life with me. Love, thoughts and prayers to my uncle Chuck and my cousin Damian.


At first driving to my Aunts celebration, I thought how diametrically opposite these events were going to turn out to be. Well, let me tell you how wrong I was. They were in a word - incredible. They both celebrated a life; one that had experienced the utmost, able to have wrung everything possible from every breath she took; another that has the entire spectrum of life from which to experience and make his own . For me, I must go to the wayback machine and remember what were my dreams and aspirations when I walked with my fellow Falcons from Aquinas High School in 1980; making sure Wesley knows that anyone of his (if not all) are possible. I also need to look forward to that ultimate day of my celebration and ensure that my life had true meaning and impact, hoping to achieve but a portion of what what my Aunt did. Thank you Wesley and Aunt Sookie for allowing me to share in your celebrations.


Rad/Chemo: Today (Friday 6/10) was the end of my second week of daily doses of radiation (9 days total - go figure, even this disease was given a Holiday) and my third dose of chemo. I have another five weeks of rad (once a day, five days a week) and chemo (once a week on Tuesday's). Stephanie, Wesley, my Mom and brother Michael have all made it with me to make my daily rounds and my not having to drive is a great benefit! I also found out that my company has approved my medical leave and at the same time I was interviewed by MetLife (insurance carrier for Raytheon's short term disability program). Medical Reform, o where art thou?


The side effects of the radiation have started to manifest themselves; dry mouth, lack of saliva, irritation inside the mouth, loss of some taste and fatigue. Add the ones for chemo (skin irritation - read acne across the "T" zone on my face and upper torso, headaches; but no nail issues yet (fingers or toes - well, except for the fact that I still have my webbed toes; two of them on each foot.....betcha didn't know about that "Gary Factoid"!) NOTE: When Wesley was born, the first thing I checked for were his toes. He had all ten; five on each side and they were appropriately detached and was I ever relieved - thank you God! NOTE 2: It did  make me swim faster! I was a recreational competitive swimmer (no swim team a Aquinas but I did swim for the Orange Otters out of Orange High School in, you guessed it, Orange. I managed to place third at the Annual Seal Beach Rough Water Swim - 1 mile total, from shoreline shotgun start past the breakwater to the end of pier, parallel the each to breakers and back again.


I relate the status of my side effects because I do not want to hide things and I am fearful. I am fearful of becoming someone other than who I am. I am a 48 year old male with cancer. I am taking steps to eradicate the disease (surgery, radiation & chemo, diet, exercise, etc.). I am showing outward signs of the disease -wait, that's it. It's the outward signs, specifically the high school case of acne sign because it is the only real manifestation of my disease (except for maybe my convenient neck crease scar) that is outward and visible. Now, I do not consider myself vain; but it has started to take some thought on my part to not think about my visibly outward sign. Damn, have I now become one of the Househusbands of Long Beach? Will botox be next? How about a bit of lipo after lunch at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles? Where will it end?


Well, you will be glad to know that it all ended yesterday after I attended the celebration for my Aunt Sookie. The words people used to describe her and her life went beyond her natural beauty and showed me that I am who I am...I just happen to have some additional "facial features" at this time. When you see me, know that it should go away after the last chemo treatment, it is a bit tender and they prescribed  some gel to help, but underneath all those "zits", it is still me - somethings never change.


PS: I loaded my WCHS Graduation pictures on my Facebook page for those that socialize - if you are not my friend, send me a request.

Loss of a Cancer Warrior

Yesterday evening, my Aunt Sookie completed her battle with cancer. An incredible woman who taught me that dancing was an art (same with my other cousins who had multiple opportunities to dance with her) to be enjoyed whether you could (she could) or could not (I couldn't). Like most, if not in all hispanic families, my tio's and tia's are all known by something other than their given names. My Aunt Sookie was born Irene and it was not until my late teens that I found that little fact out.


My thoughts and prayers go out to my Uncle Carlos and cousin Damien. I thank you both for the phone calls and the FB comments. I now am in a position to help others in their time of need and present myself to you both as having an intimate knowledge of what this disease can do to you and what it is to lose a parent. I love you both and will talk with you soon.

Double Double - Animal Style?

Although not exactly "In-n-Out", I did have my own version of a "DoubleDouble" today. There was radiation this morning and then capped it off with the second weekly dose of chemo. What a day, what a day, what a day.

The dreaded "Bell Curve"

Starting off on my journey I knew that there would be times when I needed to buckle down and not allow myself to feel more sick than I really am - I mean actually feel like I was really sick; even though I am. I promised myself that I would do everything possible to make sure that I kept myself at the far end of the curve.  Grading on a curve is an age old statistical method of assigning grades designed to yield a pre-determined distribution amongst all students in a class - a "Bell" curve. After some diligent research, I always felt (and continue to feel) that I had as good a chance as anybody in my situation to be at the far end of the curve. I mean, statistically speaking, somebody had to be there...why not me?


In going through all of the tests, procedures, doctor's visits, all of the poking and prodding, everything with the surgery, all of the searching for parking spots...I willed myself into that top percent. I kept the pain under control, I drank what I had too, gave blood to those who wanted it, stayed still when I was "needled", ate what was good for me; basically enduring whatever was medically required because I knew I desperately wanted to stay on the right side of the curve. 


That is until I started the chemo/radiation. Until then, I was flying. Outwardly, you would not know anything other than I felt good, looked good and was doing really good (IMHO). Now, I am starting to feel some of the side effects; dry irritated skin, dehydration, headaches, fatigue. I say manageable for now, but effects nontheless. 


I still believe that I am on the right side of the curve. Although reality in the form of side effects is creeping into my world, I still feel blessed. Whoa, wait a minute. A curve ball? Not what you were thinking I was going to say, right? Blessed? Really? I have cancer so how could I possibly be blessed? Well, let me tell you how blessed I am. To start, I have all of you. Every step of the way, I have had at least one of you with me. Today, I had my mom and brother go with me to chemo. Yesterday, I had Stephanie go with me to my first radiation treatment. A little while ago I had a great conversation with Wes about the drama around his last days of high school. Basically, I have talked with some of you, comments from a lot of you with thoughts and prayers from all of you. Blessed, you better believe I am - I do. Excuse me, I need to go moisturize.......I need to be ready for my real "Double Double" for lunch tomorrow!

Now that was Rad!!

That's Rad for short. My first dose of radiation today and boy are my arms tired! Seriously, the picture is a representation of the radiation machine that I am to become intimately familiar with over the next few weeks. I am scheduled for once a day, five days a week, for a total of about seven weeks - so that's 1 down and about 31 to go. The session lasts about 15 minutes and I get to wear my mask. A computer guides the machine as it rotates around my head and neck while I am on the table, prone and stationary; very, very stationary.


So now the big question: How do I feel? "Not sure" is my first response. Apprehensive? Tired? Bored? Scared? Confused? Confident? Alone? Empty? Again, not really sure. I am about to embark on the second major leg of my journey and I am not sure how I feel.

I often think back to that day in January when I first felt my lil friend on my neck. That thought then naturally flows to the news from my doctor that the biopsy pathology result was positive for Squamous Cell Carcinoma - referral to an oncologist - my world is rocked - things would never be the same again.....


So here I sit, typing on my blog (never thought I would have one with this subject matter), eating turkey burgers, lots of veggies, hummus, fruits and nuts, yogurt, along with plenty of vitamins and supplements. All consumed (along with much more) in order to make me stronger, more healthy and better prepared for my battle with cancer. I weight less and can do more yet at this moment, I am not sure how I feel. The preliminary effects from the Erbitux treatment last week are starting to manifest themselves. Most especially is the total body dehydration and breaking out on my face and upper torso. I have switched moisturizers  (again, never thought I would be typing a sentence like that) to try and get ahead of the dryness.

I await pensively for tomorrow to come as I get radiated at 8am and dosed with chemo at 2pm. I will endeavour to feel more "sure" because I am tired of that not sure feeling. Here's to being sure.

E-R-B-I-T-U-X, Erbitux, Erbitux, Rah, Rah Rah!

First treatment for chemo (remember that my drug of choice is Erbitux). A bit of a mix-up at the treatment center since I had not been scheduled for my "Day of Learning". They were about to chase me away when we had a lil pow pow and they saw the error of their ways, walla! Put in the IV and hang the bottle, drip drip drip. A mere 2 hours later and a viewing of "Goal 2" the movie and I was done.

I am feeling a bit "fatigued" but not in the normal sense that you would equate to being fatigued. It's a little bit funny (thank you Sir Elton), strange in some ways, very different in others. My apologies for the lack of adequate description but I am working to understand it and will report back as soon as I achieve that lofty plateau. I am scheduled for another "Balthazar" of Erbitux next Tuesday and will also start my radiation treatments (once a day, five days a week, for 6.5 weeks) that same day.

My journey is on its next leg......so much has changed since the beginning of this year. Thank you all for the cards, texts, emails, phone calls, prayers and conversations - it has meant the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tortillitas, Carrot Cake, Tamales, Oh My!

My first dose of chemo comes tomorrow. I stand afraid only of that which I do not know yet strangely I feel at ease about tomorrow. Is it because I will get my first dose of what will be a number of "drips" of poison? No, not really. Then could it be that I will soon be subject to a huge amount of "grays" (Gray (Gy) is the unit of absorbed dose of radiation) centered around my head and neck region? Nay, nay I say. Ok, so how about the side effects of chemo and radiation? Yes, yes, yes. Now we are getting warmer. 


Specifically, the acne? No, I survived high school so this should be a breeze. Maybe fatigue? Naw, I power napped through law school so this will not present an issue (remember IRAC?). How about the loss of a few lbs? Currently I am pushing 225lbs on my 6' frame so that puts my BMI still to high... I know, what about the soreness inside the neck or throat area that is being treated? Although it may be severe, it is to be expected with my condition and I can deal with it. That leaves the damage to the salivary tissue that will lead to dry mouth and altered taste. Ah, there it is. Dry mouth? Maybe secondarily; but primarily, numero uno, number one, top of the heap, the big dog is..........altered taste!


I don't have the most sophisticated palate known to man, but I do know what I like. And some of the things that I like.....


My Dad's carrot cake


Our tamales at christmas


Menudo (equal mix of tripe and hominy (aka nixtamal), add a bit of oregano, red chile flakes, diced onions and lemon )


Chicken, Juan Pollo (http://www.juanpollo.com/)


Tortillitas that my Mom makes (with Pico Pica)


Tapioca pudding


Lobster Tails, beans and tortillas from Puerto Nuevo, Baja California Norte, Mexico


Michael's Cowboy Beans and BBQ Turkey


Mrs Knott's Fried Chicken (the best for breakfast)


Chaufa de Pollo from El Pollo Inka (http://www.elpolloinka.com/)


My mother-in-laws bean soup (with a real ham bone)


Mac n Cheese


Sardinetas and fried peppers at the counter, Cal Pep, Barcelona (http://www.calpep.com/ingles/ingles.html)


Fresh Oysters at Pascal's Manale, New Orleans (shucked by Thomas at the oyster bar and just about any other food items in town...) (http://www.neworleansrestaurants.com/pascalsmanale/menu.html)


Fresh greens, tomatoes with white beans and tuna, Panzano in Chianti, Tuscany Region, Italy (accompanied by a nice bottle of Il Poggio Castellare Brunello di Montalcino)


Anything cooked while camping


.....and these are but a few of my favorite things. Some I will never taste again, while some I have tasted more than others and a few that I will have the opportunity to taste again. 


But the real question is, I mean my one and only question is, will some of my favorite things taste the same? Or will my memory have to be my new taste bud? That is what is going to be the toughest "pill to swallow". Gulp.......

Taste Buds.....

The Radiation and Chemotherapy report is in. 


I will have radiation treatments once a day, five days a week for six and a half weeks. The chemo will be but a "chaser"  to the radiation and administered once a week. I start next Tuesday the 24th with a round of chemo and then have both treatments start in earnest on the following Tuesday the 31st - week 1 of 6.5 


Chemo: I will be taking the drug Erbitux which is a chimeric (human/heart) monoclonal antibody and epidermal growth factor receptor (EGFR) given by intravenous infusion - wow, what a mouthful! Basically, because I tested positive for the Human Papillomaviras (HPV), I am eligible to take Erbitux. You may be asking yourself, "Self, is this good news?". Well Self, let me tell you that it is a good thing for Gary. The Erbitux has shown to be just as effective as the other chemo drugs, but with less side affects. So for me, right here, right now... less side affects is a great thing.

Radiation: I felt like a superhero when they fitted me for my radiation mask. It has a hard plastic frame around it, with a rubber membrane stretched across. It was dipped in hot water to make it pliable and then placed on my face and upper torso to form a mold/mask you see in the picture. They then took a CT scan that will be the basis for my radiation plan. I was so excited about the mask an asked it it was mine, like in mine to keep. They look at me a little weird and said yes. It reminded me of my brother when we were in college in the early 80's and he had an art class that required him to cast a bronze face. Well he needed a model so guess who got to volunteer? We were at my Aunt Chavela's house and he whipped up a batch of casting goop, oiled my face, put a couple of straws up my nose so that I could breath (nice of the artist, don't you think?) and proceeded to goop me up. It took few minutes  (like 20!) to set and presto, a bronze masterpiece!

Latest Status

Working my way from the last post, here is the latest and greatest:

Friday 5/6: I saw my radiation oncologist Dr Simko. Great session, lots and lots of info. The requirement for radiation is to deal with the remaining cancer cells that are at the microscopic level that could not be removed via surgery. Currently, the plan would be once a day, five days a week for six and a half weeks starting in about two to three weeks. I also was referred to a radiation dentist to deal with any dental issues prior to radiation.

Tuesday 5/10: Had my post-op with my surgeon Dr Sercarz at UCLA. Best news was that there was an addendum to the surgical report which showed me as testing positive for HPV. Tadaaa! This is big news because cancer patients that test positive for HPV are associated with positive therapeutic response and survival compared to those who test negative.

Next visit was to Dr Rodriguez who was approved as my Prosthodontist (specializing in head and neck anatomy) and treated me in anticipation of my radiation treatments. Wow, wow, wow. I had no idea how much radiation effects my teeth. i will now have them cleaned every three months for the rest of my life. I will have fluoride treatments for the rest of my life. I will work to not have cavities for the rest of my life. Lots and lots of for the rest of my life as my ability to heal from a dental issue will be greatly diminished. I had x-rays taken (digital for all you techno geeks), two sets of impressions, digital pictures and all I have to show for it is a sore mouth and jaw. But I am ready in record time for radiation.

Upcoming: An appointment with my medical oncologist to discuss the possibility of adding chemotherapy to my surgery and radiation treatments.

My journey continues....

Convenient Neck Crease?

I received a copy of my surgery report. It seems that I have the distinction of having a "...convenient neck crease...". After all these years, who knew? I could have been the most famous neck model in the world (or at least in San Berdoo). I mean, my own fashion line of neck wear, possibly an ascot, a turtleneck, a "dickie" maybe. Wow, all that time spent going to school and come to find out that I have a convenient neck crease!


I continue to be sore around the incision and feel some "numbness" similar to what you feel when the dentist numbs your tooth with novacaine. Apparently my twelfth cranial nerve and the adjacent vagua nerve must have been disturbed but preserved and I am thinking that the spinal nerve also had to identified and avoided, although I am sure that it was also disturbed somewhat. What I am really feeling is the actual "pain in the neck" when I turn to fast because according to the Doctor, will take a while to return to normal.


There is that word again, normal. Two syllables. Easy to pronounce. The average or mean; free from any mental disorder; usual, not abnormal.  Is that what I want to get back to? Do I want to be normal? Was I ever normal before? Do I want to go back to my normal or to another normal? Are any of us really normal? After that, it's not so easy to pronounce anymore. 


All I know is that things are different. I am different. Obviously different in the physical sense but also different because I have started to ask the question of "why me?". Statistically speaking, my type of head and neck cancer accounts for about 3% of all cancers and I have the distinction of having an "un-known primary", which occurs in only about 5% to 10% of folks in that first group. 


With that said, I now proudly state that I am a part of a group of folks that are quite unique, some would say maybe not unique but rather a bit "abnormal" (those of you that know me already knew that I really wasn't quite normal). And you know what, I am proud of it. So it is no longer a question of "why me?"; but rather one of where are the others that are like me?

Gary Unplugged!

Although I would love to have an acoustic session on my blues harmonica (bucket list #22), my surgical drain tube was removed today. My surgeon, Dr Sercarz, is on vacation so one of his residents, Dr Duarte, was tasked to remove the drain and pronounce the pathology results of the surgery. Drain removed and survey says:

- 25 lymph nodes removed during surgery; 24 negatives, 1 malignant (approximately 5cm)
- All biopsies negative

It was such a wonderful feeling to be free of the drain, my constant companion for the last six days. Every day since the surgery I have felt better and better, stronger and stronger. Two partial baths (couldn't get the neck wet) were really not enough as I began to understand how ripe I could actually get over the span of those six days.......wow!

On a more personal note, I had the opportunity to go with my mom to her church and receive the gift of the Anointing of the Sick from Father George. Although I was born and raised Catholic, I cannot express the emotion I felt as Fr. George lead my mom and her friend in prayer, anointed my forehead and palms of my hands. I discovered that Saint Peregrine is the patron saint of those with cancer and has a shrine at the Mission in San Juan Capistrano. Road trip! Powerful.......

On to Phase II: appointment with my radiation oncologist to determine what protocol to use is scheduled for this Friday. Back at work tomorrow.

Please keep in mind my request to keep on eye on Stephanie, Wesley and my mom. They have done so much for me these past few months that I want to give them everything that I can. So I am reaching out again to you to keep them in mind. Wes just went to the prom and had a blast. Stephanie is juggling a new job and my health at the same time while my mom worries enough for all of us (she was very surprised to hear I am going to work tomorrow). Start with an email, maybe a phone call, lunch or a movie (remember that the popcorn is delicious but highly caloric). Just something that is not directly cancer related, I have got that part covered.

Post Surgery

I was released on Thursday in a relatively quick and simple process. The rest of the day went relatively quietly with the pain hovering around a 1 (out of ten) and the soreness reaching an all-time high of about 9 out of 10. Not sure how that works (anesthesia maybe?); but it was a full body soreness that started at the bone and worked it's way to the surface of the skin, from the neck downward to my calves.

We walked to our local bistro (Sipology Red) for a bit of dinner. On the way back I experienced a chill but the soreness quickly took care of that. After a fitful nights sleep trying to get comfortable with the drain tube, Friday loomed large as I had received permission from my Doctor to attend a soccer conference that had been in the planning for over a year and that I had responsibility for some coaching modules and a general session. Although I had arrainged for coverage once my surgery was scheduled, I held out the slight hope of being able to attend in person. As things worked out, I was able to attend and lead the Friday general session (there were some astonished looks from my colleagues who knew of the surgery) and then make it back to the conference on Saturday with a visit for pictures to see Wes and his date before the prom.

Sunday dawns with one last coaching module that I co-lead (Under 5 year old players, wow what a concept!). I am now at home, awaiting the Tuesday morning appointment for the removal of the drain tube and return to work. Except for Tylenol, the big gun pain meds remain in the prescription bottle - their possible need waning with each day.

My warmest and deepest thanks to all involved (in every aspect) in the surgery and the post surgery recovery. Your thoughts, your prayers, your good light all went towards ensuring a successful surgery and I cannot thank you enough. You all manifested yourselves when my surgeon came down to the waiting room to deliver his post surgery report and was greeted in person by eight people. It felt like those eight (Stephanie, Wesley, my Mom, brother Michael, aunt Chavela & uncle Peter, cousin Kim and sister Debbie) were backed and supported by the force of all of you so that the feeling was nothing short of overwhelming. Again, thank you all for that overwhelming support as I know it is the foundation on which I have built my plan to deal with my situation.

I love you all.

Southbound on 405! Tito's anyone?

Tito's Tacos is the premier mexican taco dealer on the Westside. Greatest hard shell tacos around with red salsa tha is to die for.great first meal after the pretty good hospital food.

Dateline: UCLA Med Center, Westwood, California, 0327 hours

I am awake. Somewhat tired but filled with a sense of spirit that is almost indescribable. My little friend is gone but most certainly not forgotten. No, no I will never forget the moment my doctor told me it was cancer. I will never forget the moment I told Stephanie what the diagnosis was. I will never forget having to tell Wesley and I will never, ever be able to forget having to tell my mom. It hurt more than anything I had ever experienced before and I assume anything that may come later. For the first time, I realized what being a parent really meant. I understood what it must feel like for a parent to risk losing a child. I wanted to reach out and tell my mom that everything was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok - but I couldn't because I did not know. All I could do was hug her and hope that the "abrazo de oso" would make up for not knowing.

My dad passed away before my Grandmother did and before any of his siblings. I remember getting the call that he had suffered a heart attack and was on his way to the hospital. I drove from La Mirada to San Bernardino in record time, hoping that a CHiPpie would stop me so that I could finagle an escort. He passed before I could arrive and I stopped by the side of the road and remember being mad, mad that he had left so early. Mad that my son would not get to know his Grandfather the way he should. Mad that I would have to do the things that I expected my Dad to do with Wesley. I often think of that night, about how so many people were affected by his death, especially my Grandma. Those memories came flooding back when I told my mom about the cancer.

The success of the surgery yesterday is a major step in the right direction. It has created the opportunity for me to be a better son to my mom, to ease the pain caused by the word "cancer" by replacing it with "survivor". I will be released tomorrow as all vital signs look great. My doctor stated I was "disease free" and I made a bit of a name for myself with the hospital staff by successfully getting the post-op nurse to let me talk to Stephanie on the phone - apparently I was quite persuasive since that is not something that they do. The ride home tomorrow will be exhilarating to say the least. I'm on my way home!

Ole, Ole Ole Ole....

Hey hey hey sports fans, Barcelona defeats Real 2-0 in the first leg of the UEFA Champions League semifinal! oh yea, BTW surgery was a success too!

Last thing I remember was wheeling down the surgical hallways on the way to the OR around 0815 hrs and then........1255 talking to Stephanie from the recovery room.

No real pain to speak of, sore throat and blink blink blink....
....sorry about that, closed my eyes for a few and 20 minutes passed.

So all good, I am minus one little friend and have been receiving all of the good thoughts wishes and prayers....boy you prayer warriors were out in force for me and I felt the power! You came through for me and I can never repay you, I love you all and appreciate you all and sincerely want to say thank you to all........see/talk to you soon......

I believe in . . . God, Dirt & Surgery

Scalpel time is set for 8:30am tomorrow the 27th of April, year of our Lord 2011. After first feeling the lump on my throat those many months ago, the first major milestone of my journey is almost here. I feel relieved albeit frightened, somewhat melancoly and totally awed (I saw a similar surgery on YouTube) by what can be done by the human body and to the human body. And this time it's not just any body, it's my body.

I was raised in a traditional hispanic catholic home, went to a parochial elementary school and then to a catholic high school. I think it was not until the 7th grade that I saw my first lay teacher and she lasted short of a semester - could not come to grips with a bunch of catholic school kids who were raised by nuns. These nuns were a particularly "hardy" type who hailed from the Sisters of the Sacred Heart by way of Mexico. Read that to mean that they did not always speak english, they understood and practiced corporal punishment really really well and, somewhat obviously, they prayed for our sins (seems we had many in San Berdoo) on a regular basis. God was definitely looking out for me. After the thing with my eye, I thought I was dealt a stacked deck and needed to work my way out of it. I remember church being a place where we went spent lots of time during my formative years - mass, wedding, funerals, first holy communions, confirmations, etc. So, do I believe in God? You bet! God has provided the spiritual foundation upon which I have been built with a special nod of thanks to the sisters.

El Potrero plaza of Chimayó is known internationally for its Catholic chapel, the Santuario de Nuestro Señor de Esquipulas, commonly known as El Santuario de Chimayó. Through its reputation as a healing site believers claim that dirt from a back room of the church can heal physical and spiritual ills, it has become known as the "Lourdes of America" and attracts close to 300,000 visitors a year. I have some of that dirt. My cousin lives in New Mexico and when my Aunt was visiting, she went to the chapel and brought some back.tHis morning my mom prayed and rubbed some of the dirt on my neck. So, do I believe that the dirt has curative powers? You bet! My grandmother was a type of "currandera" in our neighborhood and would provide home remedies. I lived them then and I believe them now. I believe that there are forces at work that I do not completely understand yet must pay my due respects because my grandma taught me that it is so.

11/04/27; 0830 hours. I am wheeled into the operating room awaiting for the moment to be separated from my little friend. The modified radical neck dissection will free my body of the tumor, but my fear is that it will not truly free me to be the person I was before my friend made it's presence known. More specifically, do I really want to be the person I was before? Most would say you want to be better than before. All I know is that I will be different than I was. All I know is that this has scared me so much that I am willing to do most anything to make things better; but I know that I will always return to my roots, my core values, my traditional beliefs. Do I believe in surgery? You bet!

Don't Be Afraid......

I remember telling Wesley when he was young to not be afraid of the dark. That the dark was but another place for us to experience and enjoy - especially camping. When we started camping again (wes and I, then we added the Grandma, then my Aunt and Uncle and cousins, then friends and most recently, my brother and niece) back in the late 90's, Wesley and I went on a midnight hike in Sequoia / Kings Canyon National Park. We started around 8pm and "hiked" down the old road that was the original entrance to the park. There were about 25 people (including kids) plus the Ranger; we milled about the parking lot for about 30 minutes to get our night vision, wait for everyone to arrive and talked about life in the late 1800's early 1900's in the park. We started down the trail and after about a half-mile, the Ranger stationed each of us along the trail, about 25 feet apart. By this time, our night vision allowed us to see as if were midday making out every tree, the meadow and the mountain range that surrounded us. The sounds were cascading so loud and so clear that you began imagining everything that was out there. And then, that's when it hits you. You are not alone. I don't mean the Ranger and the other hikers; I mean the "things" that are out there, doing what they are supposed to be doing as we traipsed through on our hike in their neighborhood. 


This was memorable to me because of what it said about being afraid of the dark. We normally are not afraid of the light because we live in it all the time - it is what is normal. During the day the sun shines outside and the lights are on inside. At night, we close the curtains and let the light shine, either from a bulb, TV, fireplace or mobile phone. Why? Because we are, to varying degrees, afraid of the dark.


I wasn't afraid of the dark until I was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer was only something that I experienced second or third hand and never thought for a second that it could ever be me. Believe me when I say I think about it for more than a second now. 


When I am alone is when it dawns on me the most - I have cancer. A knot starts in my chest and works its way up my throat, I breath deeper (but controlled; thank you yoga) and then as it passes into the neck and head region I start to well up. The tear forms and trails its way down the side of my face, taking its time on its journey southward yet knowing exactly where it is going. The knot that started in my chest now magically exits my body along with the tear and I feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stronger. Stronger not for any other reason than to know that I am more comfortable in the dark now, I am more comfortable with my cancer. Now, I can't wait to be a cancer survivor. 


So, don't be afraid. I'm not. Not anymore.


SURGERY: My surgery is scheduled for the 27th of April. It should last approximately 1.5 to 2 hours with a day or two at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. How about that, after 25 years I am going back to college! After the 27th I will become a Bruin with the Pepperdine Wave and Cal State Fullerton Titan close behind. 


I am indebted to my ENT Dr Sesi and my surgical ENT Dr. Sercarz, who actually spoke with one another after the initial denial and agreed that my surgery should be done at UCLA by Dr. Sercarz. Dr Sesi then submitted an amended request for the authorization which was promptly approved.  I was pleasantly shocked to learn of this conversation and immediately tried to think who is watching over me and getting all these people talking.......just amazing!

UCLA Approved!!!

Celebrations & Parties

Last Friday night my neighborhood hosted a little get together. Now you have to understand my "hood" in that from the moment we moved in to the Olson House back in 2002, we have been a part of a unique family. I know my neighbor to the left of me and to the right. I know the neighbors across the street and two houses down. I know the folks on the corner and for the next six houses down, on both sides of the street. We actually wave to each other and know each other by name. Our 4th of July Block Party is a blast (close the street, set up BBQs, volleyball net, basketball court, water balloon launchers and the EZ-Ups). We actually have a pre-4th planning party and then start the 4th off with a Breakfast Bang! And all of this without fireworks (not legal in the LBC, but sort of :) What I mean to describe is that we can get together at a drop of the hat with the "signal" being a table and some chairs on somebodies front lawn. Just bring your drinks and maybe some finger food to eat / share; the rest always takes care of itself.

So the latest was a get-together to celebrate my "lil friend". Yes, we were celebrating my tumor - ahhh, the humor on Brayton Ave knows no bounds! I had the time of my life and I want to say thank you to my Brayton Ave Family because you are the best in so many ways. From our first encounter after we moved in when you sent someone to pick Stephanie and I up for the Holiday Progressive (because we did not know anyone) to going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show (complete with toast, rice and spray bottles), to the "druken" cruise on a Murphy boat (only the Captain didn't drink), to new year's eve parties at the "Mission" and in every other way imaginable and sometimes, unimagined. Wow, all of that in only 8.5 years!

And then......

.....on Saturday, we celebrated my brother's 50th with his favorite meal of steak and red velvet cupcakes at 555 East in downtown LB. Again a night to remember and a night to celebrate with my family who have supported me from the very beginning. These are only the beginning of my family network includes other family in Berdoo, friends, old neighbors, schoolmates, work associates, sports peoples and much much more.  

So now you know the secret source of my inner power, it is my "family". I am truely blessed to have my "family" and cannot express completely how much it has helped me in the last few months. I rely on your foundation to provide the strength to eat more yogurt, to take that last piece of cauliflower, to chug another cup of green tea. I revel in my ability to eat another piece of salmon and grill another chicken (where do the nuggets come from?). The best is my expanding ability to take one bite of a piece of desert and then just walk away.

I know I need to eat so for me, its just something to consume. But when we go out, when it is a special occasion, I want my plate to be great, to be something that I really, desperately want to eat. So on Saturday, I ate the entire red velvet cupcake; savorying every bite, slowing enjoying every crum and each lick of frosting. And that was after having a nice prime cut of grass fed moo moo with a mixed veggie medly. What a meal!

UPDATE: Waiting to hear from my Medical Group whether my second request for sugery at UCLA will be approved. Think good energy, great thoughts and incredible prayers. Also, I am looking to increase my knowledge of meditation, anyone with pointers?