Southbound on 405! Tito's anyone?

Tito's Tacos is the premier mexican taco dealer on the Westside. Greatest hard shell tacos around with red salsa tha is to die for.great first meal after the pretty good hospital food.

Dateline: UCLA Med Center, Westwood, California, 0327 hours

I am awake. Somewhat tired but filled with a sense of spirit that is almost indescribable. My little friend is gone but most certainly not forgotten. No, no I will never forget the moment my doctor told me it was cancer. I will never forget the moment I told Stephanie what the diagnosis was. I will never forget having to tell Wesley and I will never, ever be able to forget having to tell my mom. It hurt more than anything I had ever experienced before and I assume anything that may come later. For the first time, I realized what being a parent really meant. I understood what it must feel like for a parent to risk losing a child. I wanted to reach out and tell my mom that everything was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok - but I couldn't because I did not know. All I could do was hug her and hope that the "abrazo de oso" would make up for not knowing.

My dad passed away before my Grandmother did and before any of his siblings. I remember getting the call that he had suffered a heart attack and was on his way to the hospital. I drove from La Mirada to San Bernardino in record time, hoping that a CHiPpie would stop me so that I could finagle an escort. He passed before I could arrive and I stopped by the side of the road and remember being mad, mad that he had left so early. Mad that my son would not get to know his Grandfather the way he should. Mad that I would have to do the things that I expected my Dad to do with Wesley. I often think of that night, about how so many people were affected by his death, especially my Grandma. Those memories came flooding back when I told my mom about the cancer.

The success of the surgery yesterday is a major step in the right direction. It has created the opportunity for me to be a better son to my mom, to ease the pain caused by the word "cancer" by replacing it with "survivor". I will be released tomorrow as all vital signs look great. My doctor stated I was "disease free" and I made a bit of a name for myself with the hospital staff by successfully getting the post-op nurse to let me talk to Stephanie on the phone - apparently I was quite persuasive since that is not something that they do. The ride home tomorrow will be exhilarating to say the least. I'm on my way home!

Ole, Ole Ole Ole....

Hey hey hey sports fans, Barcelona defeats Real 2-0 in the first leg of the UEFA Champions League semifinal! oh yea, BTW surgery was a success too!

Last thing I remember was wheeling down the surgical hallways on the way to the OR around 0815 hrs and then........1255 talking to Stephanie from the recovery room.

No real pain to speak of, sore throat and blink blink blink....
....sorry about that, closed my eyes for a few and 20 minutes passed.

So all good, I am minus one little friend and have been receiving all of the good thoughts wishes and prayers....boy you prayer warriors were out in force for me and I felt the power! You came through for me and I can never repay you, I love you all and appreciate you all and sincerely want to say thank you to all........see/talk to you soon......

I believe in . . . God, Dirt & Surgery

Scalpel time is set for 8:30am tomorrow the 27th of April, year of our Lord 2011. After first feeling the lump on my throat those many months ago, the first major milestone of my journey is almost here. I feel relieved albeit frightened, somewhat melancoly and totally awed (I saw a similar surgery on YouTube) by what can be done by the human body and to the human body. And this time it's not just any body, it's my body.

I was raised in a traditional hispanic catholic home, went to a parochial elementary school and then to a catholic high school. I think it was not until the 7th grade that I saw my first lay teacher and she lasted short of a semester - could not come to grips with a bunch of catholic school kids who were raised by nuns. These nuns were a particularly "hardy" type who hailed from the Sisters of the Sacred Heart by way of Mexico. Read that to mean that they did not always speak english, they understood and practiced corporal punishment really really well and, somewhat obviously, they prayed for our sins (seems we had many in San Berdoo) on a regular basis. God was definitely looking out for me. After the thing with my eye, I thought I was dealt a stacked deck and needed to work my way out of it. I remember church being a place where we went spent lots of time during my formative years - mass, wedding, funerals, first holy communions, confirmations, etc. So, do I believe in God? You bet! God has provided the spiritual foundation upon which I have been built with a special nod of thanks to the sisters.

El Potrero plaza of Chimayó is known internationally for its Catholic chapel, the Santuario de Nuestro Señor de Esquipulas, commonly known as El Santuario de Chimayó. Through its reputation as a healing site believers claim that dirt from a back room of the church can heal physical and spiritual ills, it has become known as the "Lourdes of America" and attracts close to 300,000 visitors a year. I have some of that dirt. My cousin lives in New Mexico and when my Aunt was visiting, she went to the chapel and brought some back.tHis morning my mom prayed and rubbed some of the dirt on my neck. So, do I believe that the dirt has curative powers? You bet! My grandmother was a type of "currandera" in our neighborhood and would provide home remedies. I lived them then and I believe them now. I believe that there are forces at work that I do not completely understand yet must pay my due respects because my grandma taught me that it is so.

11/04/27; 0830 hours. I am wheeled into the operating room awaiting for the moment to be separated from my little friend. The modified radical neck dissection will free my body of the tumor, but my fear is that it will not truly free me to be the person I was before my friend made it's presence known. More specifically, do I really want to be the person I was before? Most would say you want to be better than before. All I know is that I will be different than I was. All I know is that this has scared me so much that I am willing to do most anything to make things better; but I know that I will always return to my roots, my core values, my traditional beliefs. Do I believe in surgery? You bet!

Don't Be Afraid......

I remember telling Wesley when he was young to not be afraid of the dark. That the dark was but another place for us to experience and enjoy - especially camping. When we started camping again (wes and I, then we added the Grandma, then my Aunt and Uncle and cousins, then friends and most recently, my brother and niece) back in the late 90's, Wesley and I went on a midnight hike in Sequoia / Kings Canyon National Park. We started around 8pm and "hiked" down the old road that was the original entrance to the park. There were about 25 people (including kids) plus the Ranger; we milled about the parking lot for about 30 minutes to get our night vision, wait for everyone to arrive and talked about life in the late 1800's early 1900's in the park. We started down the trail and after about a half-mile, the Ranger stationed each of us along the trail, about 25 feet apart. By this time, our night vision allowed us to see as if were midday making out every tree, the meadow and the mountain range that surrounded us. The sounds were cascading so loud and so clear that you began imagining everything that was out there. And then, that's when it hits you. You are not alone. I don't mean the Ranger and the other hikers; I mean the "things" that are out there, doing what they are supposed to be doing as we traipsed through on our hike in their neighborhood. 


This was memorable to me because of what it said about being afraid of the dark. We normally are not afraid of the light because we live in it all the time - it is what is normal. During the day the sun shines outside and the lights are on inside. At night, we close the curtains and let the light shine, either from a bulb, TV, fireplace or mobile phone. Why? Because we are, to varying degrees, afraid of the dark.


I wasn't afraid of the dark until I was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer was only something that I experienced second or third hand and never thought for a second that it could ever be me. Believe me when I say I think about it for more than a second now. 


When I am alone is when it dawns on me the most - I have cancer. A knot starts in my chest and works its way up my throat, I breath deeper (but controlled; thank you yoga) and then as it passes into the neck and head region I start to well up. The tear forms and trails its way down the side of my face, taking its time on its journey southward yet knowing exactly where it is going. The knot that started in my chest now magically exits my body along with the tear and I feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stronger. Stronger not for any other reason than to know that I am more comfortable in the dark now, I am more comfortable with my cancer. Now, I can't wait to be a cancer survivor. 


So, don't be afraid. I'm not. Not anymore.


SURGERY: My surgery is scheduled for the 27th of April. It should last approximately 1.5 to 2 hours with a day or two at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. How about that, after 25 years I am going back to college! After the 27th I will become a Bruin with the Pepperdine Wave and Cal State Fullerton Titan close behind. 


I am indebted to my ENT Dr Sesi and my surgical ENT Dr. Sercarz, who actually spoke with one another after the initial denial and agreed that my surgery should be done at UCLA by Dr. Sercarz. Dr Sesi then submitted an amended request for the authorization which was promptly approved.  I was pleasantly shocked to learn of this conversation and immediately tried to think who is watching over me and getting all these people talking.......just amazing!

UCLA Approved!!!

Celebrations & Parties

Last Friday night my neighborhood hosted a little get together. Now you have to understand my "hood" in that from the moment we moved in to the Olson House back in 2002, we have been a part of a unique family. I know my neighbor to the left of me and to the right. I know the neighbors across the street and two houses down. I know the folks on the corner and for the next six houses down, on both sides of the street. We actually wave to each other and know each other by name. Our 4th of July Block Party is a blast (close the street, set up BBQs, volleyball net, basketball court, water balloon launchers and the EZ-Ups). We actually have a pre-4th planning party and then start the 4th off with a Breakfast Bang! And all of this without fireworks (not legal in the LBC, but sort of :) What I mean to describe is that we can get together at a drop of the hat with the "signal" being a table and some chairs on somebodies front lawn. Just bring your drinks and maybe some finger food to eat / share; the rest always takes care of itself.

So the latest was a get-together to celebrate my "lil friend". Yes, we were celebrating my tumor - ahhh, the humor on Brayton Ave knows no bounds! I had the time of my life and I want to say thank you to my Brayton Ave Family because you are the best in so many ways. From our first encounter after we moved in when you sent someone to pick Stephanie and I up for the Holiday Progressive (because we did not know anyone) to going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show (complete with toast, rice and spray bottles), to the "druken" cruise on a Murphy boat (only the Captain didn't drink), to new year's eve parties at the "Mission" and in every other way imaginable and sometimes, unimagined. Wow, all of that in only 8.5 years!

And then......

.....on Saturday, we celebrated my brother's 50th with his favorite meal of steak and red velvet cupcakes at 555 East in downtown LB. Again a night to remember and a night to celebrate with my family who have supported me from the very beginning. These are only the beginning of my family network includes other family in Berdoo, friends, old neighbors, schoolmates, work associates, sports peoples and much much more.  

So now you know the secret source of my inner power, it is my "family". I am truely blessed to have my "family" and cannot express completely how much it has helped me in the last few months. I rely on your foundation to provide the strength to eat more yogurt, to take that last piece of cauliflower, to chug another cup of green tea. I revel in my ability to eat another piece of salmon and grill another chicken (where do the nuggets come from?). The best is my expanding ability to take one bite of a piece of desert and then just walk away.

I know I need to eat so for me, its just something to consume. But when we go out, when it is a special occasion, I want my plate to be great, to be something that I really, desperately want to eat. So on Saturday, I ate the entire red velvet cupcake; savorying every bite, slowing enjoying every crum and each lick of frosting. And that was after having a nice prime cut of grass fed moo moo with a mixed veggie medly. What a meal!

UPDATE: Waiting to hear from my Medical Group whether my second request for sugery at UCLA will be approved. Think good energy, great thoughts and incredible prayers. Also, I am looking to increase my knowledge of meditation, anyone with pointers?

Western vs Eastern. Can You Say "Buddha"?

The formal denial has been received. Thank you medical group for weighing the interests of your patients against the interest$ of the in$urance company. I feel comforted that I am in such good hands and that my personal well-being is such a high priority........blah, blah,blah, blah.


Since we found out yesterday that I was denied by the medical group for the surgery referral (remember the countless phone calls?),  Stephanie started working on the appeal. The formal denial letter came with the US Postie today and explained how the appeal process worked (can you say "30 days"? How about "expedited"? 72 hours is more like it). The draft appeal letter was zipped across the net for review between Stephanie, myself and our Health Care Advocate Maggie - boy can Maggie write appeals. The appeal paperwork will be submitted tomorrow. Time to knock on that door again because it isn't over yet. 


Meanwhile, back at the ranch Stephanie and I were racing across LA for my appointment at the Eastern Center for Complementary Medicine (ECCM) to see Steve Gomberg, the newest member of my medical team and an ordained buddhist monk in the Tibetan Tradition (www.herbalroom.com). Well well would you look at that, the boy from San Berdoo who was raised by nuns is off to consult a buddhist monk!


I am embracing all that the medical world has to offer - my medical world consists of both the western and the eastern worlds. I do believe in the deepest part of my soul that "my team" must work together to ensure a successful outcome. The outcome that sees me walking one day in the not too distant future without my "friend" and in control of my mind, body and soul. The outcome that has me being a better husband, a better father, a better son and maybe, just maybe a better person than when I started this journey.


I can't wait for what tomorrow brings........I am sure that something appealing is going to happen!


p.s: my favorite soccer club FC Barcelona thrashed Shaktar Donetsk 5-1 in the first leg of their Champions League Quarterfinal.....mas que un club!

Denied, Denial or Da Nile?????

Well, after harassing "Ryan" (not his real name) at my Doctor's office this past week (total of about 10 phone calls/messages), I was able to get the determination from my Medical Group that my request for surgery at UCLA was - DENIED.....Bummer.


So, how do I feel about it? Still processing it all, I think. Still asking the simple question of who is it that makes the decision to "Denied (sic)" my request. The request seemed reasonable. I thought so and I am the most reasonable person that I know. 


So, this average reasonable person read my request and said no. They took into consideration (I am sure) that I wanted to go to a surgeon (an expert in cancer of the head and neck - oh, that's what I have), to a hospital that is in network that specializes in cancer (its all they do); but he is not in my medical group. I am sure they did all of this. And this person made this decision without ever talking to me. Me, the one with the tumor. Me, the one with the occult primary cancer. Me, the one who waited for seven (7) days to find out if the referral to UCLA would go through - not! No wonder health care in the states is the way that it is.


But, I need to have the surgery. I want to have the surgery. I have given enough to my "friend" on my neck and the time has come to cut it out. 


PS: I was asked to add the ability for folks to leave comments. It took a while, but I finally figured it out. Just click on  "Comments" below.